


Of Bookshops, Pesky Customers and Large Snakes

by fish_from_murderland



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale's Bookshop (Good Omens), Fluff without Plot, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Other, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 00:21:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19878511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fish_from_murderland/pseuds/fish_from_murderland
Summary: This year, Crowley made plans of staying in the bookshop for the entire winter. The reason was, as he had told Aziraphale, it is warmer in the bookshop compared to his flat.--------Or in which, snake!Crowley terrifies some particularly Insufferable customers.





	Of Bookshops, Pesky Customers and Large Snakes

**Author's Note:**

> There is absolutely no plot I just like snek!Crowley OK?
> 
> I tried, I really tried, but I can't get the footnote links to work.
> 
> Unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine.

In the 200 years Aziraphale had owned the bookshop, he had seen his fair share of annoying customers.1 He had devised a quite complicated, but efficient, system of dealing with them, starting with evaluating their peskiness3 and ending with them walking out the bookshop because they suddenly remembered that they had left the oven on at home, the book now cost £142,542.34 and all of that had to be paid in cash and I’m sorry but we don’t have any change or an ambulance had come for them because they had gazed upon an angel’s true form for too long4 and is now in a coma.

After the Armageddon-that-wasn’t, there seem to be less customers coming to the shop. The old “regulars”, the ones who come and browse and bother no one, still come as usual, but there are far less of the snobby antique collector type who actually wants to _buy_ something. Crowley believes this had something to do with the often-questionable5 but in this case very helpful reality-restoring skills of the young Antichrist. Aziraphale says it’s purely luck, or rather, he hopes it is.

The drawback of this is that, when there _is_ a customer, they are bound to be a thousand times peskier than the old norm.6 Many of the old solutions don’t work on them, because, for whatever reason, they don’t own an oven, their door doesn’t have a key, and, in one memorable case, the woman somehow _does_ have a giant suitcase full of cash on her.7

This year, Crowley made plans of staying in the bookshop for the entire winter, and brought along all his plants.8 The reason was, as he had told Aziraphale, it is warmer in the bookshop compared to his flat.9 Aziraphale had, of course, moved the armchairs best for slouching closer to the fire, and his usual armchair closer to that one, for obvious reasons.

The day that Crowley moved into the bookshop for the winter was also the day that heralded the first of a long string of Insufferable People coming to the bookstore. This particular Insufferable Person, a middle-aged woman sporting a very Karen haircut and an equally Karen attitude10 had stayed in the bookshop for a record time of two hours and forty-eight minutes, all the while demanding, very loudly, to buy an original copy of Oscar Wilde. At the end of that time, he had all but chased her away with a broom.11

In this period of time, Crowley had realised that his snake form is very good for cuddling as a) he cannot blush himself into discorporation as a snake b) Aziraphale likes touching his scales and c) he can wrap himself around all of Aziraphale, thus preventing him from going anywhere or doing anything. Also, he is a snake and therefore do not have to Speak when he wants something.12

One day, an Insufferable Person came in while Crowley, in snake form, was lounging on top of a bookshelf, and that had given him an Idea. Later, while Aziraphale was trying stop the Insufferable Person from buying one of his treasured first editions, Crowley slithered down behind her and hissed close to her ear. This has resulted in a very angry and terrified woman13 dropping the book and running out the shop threatening to call pest control.

Aziraphale was, of course, quite pleased that his precious books were left alone. And he absolutely did not boop Crowley affectionately on the snout and call him “gorgeous” after half-heartedly scolding him about his behaviour. And definitely did not do it the next time either, when someone had tripped on a snake on the way to a particularly treasured book of Aziraphale’s and ran out screaming so loudly that half of London must be convinced there’s _something_ on the loose.

However, he did have some problems with the time Crowley decided to drop from the ceiling and land on the head of a costumer haggling the price of a book, because _What if someone get hurt, Crowley?_

**Fin**

Footnotes

1And more than a fair share of annoying non-customer beings2

2i.e. the Archangel Gabriel, who had turned up more than zero times, which is the desired amount

3Peskiness is measured in popped blood vessels per minute of interaction, or, for short, pb/min. For example, a bee in the room would be around 0.002 pb/min4, and an average customer would be around 0.7 to 1.5 pb/min

4For the record, that is anything more than 0.000012 seconds for a human

5He’s salty about the wine collection

6997.24 times, to be precise

7Crowley had to miracle all the cash somewhere else, and the woman decided to throw a giant fit. In the end the screaming woman had or be miracled away too, hopefully to where her money is.

8That had been quite a feat. There is only so much space you can easily miracle in a car.

9I think we all know what the real reason is, and so does Aziraphale.

10Not that either of them would know what that means, but Gen Z’s gotta meme, you know

11He opted for miracling her into thinking that she would be late for her child’s _important_ hockey match, held three hours away.

12i.e. Aziraphale’s attention

13Another Karen! You guessed right

**Author's Note:**

> I used too many footnotes. Sue me.
> 
> I am slightly ashamed to say that I wrote customer as costumer for most of the first draft. I have never been more thankful for spellcheck, even if it’s really stupid and Crowley definitely invented it (and it probably bit him in the back at some point). My excuse was that it was 11:30 p.m. and cold.
> 
> My Tumblr is [here](https://dutchcementmixer.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If you leave a kudos, comment or bookmark on my work, I will literally die for you.


End file.
